How do I live without you?
by potterbite
Summary: Hook trying to deal with Emma's death. Set about 5 years after they return from Neverland.


**A/N: Hey guys. So, for no apparent reason this idea came to me. I've read so many great stories on Emma and how Killian dies but so far I haven't found any where the rolls are reverse (anyone know a good one, please tell me! I love weepy stories even though they break my heart). So here it is, my baby Killian all broken, which is how I imagine he would be if Emma were to die. I hope you guys enjoy it, even though it's a bit sad.**

* * *

"Rum, and don't be stingy", Hook told the barmaid in a dry voice as he sat down. He ran his hand across his face, feeling tired and full of ache – like someone had decided to cause him as much pain as possible by moving around all his vital organs, only to stop halfway through and leave him in a messed up state.

It had been five months, 10 days, 6 hours and 9 minutes but the pain never ceased. Instead, it seemed as though it increased with every passing day he was stumbling around in darkness. For that was all his life was now; a black hole with nothing in it but ache and old memories.

"_Killian! Look at me," Emma laughed. She was holding a camera, trying to get a picture of him, which seemed as an impossible task. He didn't quite understand those magical things – the day before he had actually released a small scream in terror when Emma had turned on the vacuum cleaner. _

"_What is the point of this?", he asked so innocently that Emma had to laugh again. She walked towards him, sat down on his lap and while she kissed him on the cheek she took a photo. She showed Killian, who looked at it with amazement in his eyes. _

"_Wonderful, love", he said while squeezing at her waist, making her giggle. "What do you do with that now?"_

"_Well, you can –Stop it Killian, you know I'm ticklish!", she said laughing as he continued to move his fingers carelessly and absentmindedly across her waist. She took his hand in hers and kissed it. "You can develop them and have them framed so you can look at them all the time."_

"_Bloody hell, is there anything not possible in this world? Let's do that, I want to look at it every day", he told her with a crooked smile. "Now, back to business…" he continued as he went in for a full tickle-attack._

Hook shook his head, wanting to release the memories along with the pain. He could still hear her laughter as clear as if she was standing next to him. And it _hurt_ to not be able to shut it off, to empty his mind and fill it with rum (though it was not from a lack of trying). How did people go through this every day, not killing themselves? How did they make the pain go away?

"One large glass of rum for the man with the somber expression", the barmaid told Hook cheerfully as she placed a big glass filled to the top in front of him. He picked out his wallet to pay her and as he always did, he saw the picture Emma had taken that day. They looked so happy.

"_What should I do with this?", Killian asked while curiously eyeing some black leather Emma had given him. "What is it?"Emma laughed. Not in a demeaning way, but in a loving way._

"_This is called a wallet. You use it to store your money in so when you go out and buy something, it's easily accessible", she explained while showing him the different compartments and how he should use it. _

"_How can I possible fit all my gold in this little thing?", he asked her while giving the wallet an incredulous look. She took out her own wallet._

"_Our money is different here. We have these things called bills, which are made out paper and really easy to deal with. And then there's this compartment in your wallet, where you can put a picture in." She showed him. _

"_Aye, you have convinced me. I want that picture we took last month to be inside my wallet then", he told her. She wrapped her arms around his neck._

"_You can have anything you want, Killian", she said. He raised his eyebrows, wiggling them at her and making her laugh again. He loved her laugh, he could listen to it forever._

"_Well, anything is very generous of you, love", he said while gripping her legs to make her wrap them around him. She was on board, so to speak, rather quickly catching on. Her lips were on his even before he had entered their bedroom._

"Cute girl. She your wife?" the barmaid asked, making him leave his self-pity down memory lane. Hook continued to stare at the photo with a blank expression.

"Aye", he said as he emptied his glass in one gulp and walked out of the bar.

* * *

It was nightfall by the time he reached the cemetery. Her parents had insisted she should lie in the town and Hook had insisted he couldn't stay there. Yet he came to her every night, when no one else was around to see him, to smother him with concern.

"Hello love." His voice was thick with alcohol and grief and still he felt as if a giant relief washed over him every time he got to speak with her. Which is why he kept coming back, of course. Kept coming back even though there was nothing left for him there anymore – nothing left for him anywhere anymore.

"I miss you. My heart is empty without you here with me." A single tear left his eyes, landing on her grave. He kept wondering when his tears would dry out, amazed at the fact that he still had some left after more than 5 months of constantly shedding them.

"You and me, forever against the world, remember love? Not sure how this works when you're not here because I don't think I'm ready to face any battles without you. This can't go on, though, lass. I have to escape and at least try to find someplace peaceful where I can breathe again." He touched the ground in front of the tombstone with his left hand – Emma's hand, the one she had managed to give back to him. It hurt to look at it and he was constantly finding himself wishing he still had his hook because then there would be one less reminder.

"Goodbye, my love."

His fingers stroke the tombstone one last time, before he got up and walked away, managing to only turn back to look twice. He went down to the harbor and stood out on the far end of the pier. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"_Killian! Killian, open your eyes!", Emma told him enthusiastically. They were down at the harbor with nobody else in sight. _

"_What are we doing here?" he asked, giving her a mischievous look. She laughed._

"_NO, nothing like that you pervert", she said while giving him a light smack on the shoulder. "I know this hasn't been easy for you, being in Storybrooke and all, and I know you did it all for me so I wanted to give you something", she said while stretching out her arms on both sides as far as she could. _

"_You're giving me the ocean?"_

"_Yes and no. I'm giving you a place you can go where nobody will disturb you", she said, a smile on her entire beautiful face. "Just take a deep breath on the edge of the pier. Mother Superior made some kind of spell, not sure what happens or how it works exactly."_

_He looked at her, not wanting to believe how utterly perfect she was and that they were finally getting their happy ending – together. He grabbed her hand and started to walk down the pier._

"_Let's do it together", he told her. "I don't want to go anywhere without you." He kissed her lightly, breathing in her scent as he always did. _

"_You don't have to. It's you and me against the world, forever."_


End file.
